???: A long time ago, in a happy kingdom, there lived a happy couple. Though they were poor, that didn’t keep them from living happily. As....was said before. Anyway. The couple soon grew lonely and their happiness slowly faded. What they wanted more than anything in the world was a child. And, until that child came, the happy couple would remain unhappy.
~This is very odd. Who just gave that long speech about happiness? They said it like....40 times.~
???: These good people lived in a little cottage that stood next to a great wall. Behind the great wall was a lovely garden of flowers and vegetables and one particularly appealing soda machine. But, no one dared venture into the garden for an evil, heartless, and cruel wizard feared by the whole world lived there.
~Hey...what the hell are you talking about?~
???: Be quiet! I’m the narrator of the story! Stop interrupting my narration!
~Yeah but....~
Narrator: *fumes* Shut your Goddamn mouth!
~*taken aback* Okay.....~
Narrator: Ahem. Well, the wife saw the soda machine and because she loved the tasty drink so much, her want of a can grew every day. She then grew sickly and pale and did nothing but sit and look out the window, staring at the soda machine.
Wife Alex: Husband!
Husband Sean: *appears looking disgusted*
Narrator: Husband Sean, what’s the problem?
Husband Sean: What the hell is this? Why am I dressed in such shitty clothing and WHY am I married to it?! *points to Alex* And where the hell is my sword?!
Wife Alex: I’m not an it!
Husband Sean: You are!
Narrator: Shut up, you’re only going to be married to her for a few more minutes. Now, just get on with your line!
Husband Sean: *flatly* What ails you, my wife?
Wife Alex: Oh, I know if I don’t drink a can of Mountain Dew I shall surely die!
Husband Sean: Good.
Narrator: *whacks Husband Sean*
Husband Sean: Eh! I mean. Oh no! Then...because I....*cringes*.....love you so much. I shall fetch you some.
Narrator: And so, he did. Husband Sean climbed the great wall, stole a can of Mountain Dew, and gave it to his wife. Amazingly, she was restored back to health. But, her want for it grew stronger. So, Husband Sean climbed back over the wall the next day to get another can. Unfortunately for him, the evil wizard caught him.
Evil Wizard Tien: You!
Husband Sean: *blinks* You’re supposed to be an evil wizard?
Evil Wizard Tien: Yes! Fear me!
Husband Sean: *busts out laughing*
Evil Wizard Tien: *growls*
Husband Sean: All right, all right. Uh.. *forced, and sounding flat* Ah! The evil wizard.
Evil Wizard Tien: Who do you think you are?! Stealing my Mountain Dew!
Husband Sean: I mean no harm evil wizard, my wife, she begged for a can. If I did not get her one she would surely have died.
Evil Wizard Tien: If it is as you say, then fine, take all the Mountain Dew you desire. But! Under one condition.
Husband Sean: Yes?
Evil Wizard Tien: The first child you bare shall be given to me as payment!
Husband Sean: *horrified* I have a child with it?! Oh, God! As if things weren’t bad enough! *pauses* Wait a minute. Why do YOU want a child? *becomes even more horrified* Ugh! You’re sick, man! You’re sick!
Evil Wizard Tien: v_v
Narrator: *smacks Husband Sean away* Out of terror, Husband Sean agreed. The next day, Wife Alex had a kid. How? I don’t know... But anyway, it was the most beautiful baby girl ever to be born. Sure enough, the evil wizard came to claim it.
Wife Alex: No! Not my child!
Husband Sean: I’m sure she’ll be much happier not knowing that you’re her mother.
Wife Alex: Shut up! I want a divorce!
Narrator: Despite Wife Alex’s cries, the evil wizard took the baby girl away and named it Megunzel. A couple hours later, Megunzel was fully grown and 15 years of age. I don’t know how that happened either. The evil wizard then locked her away in a tower with no stairs and only a few windows. There she remained, lonely, and miserable. Moving on. In another kingdom lived a kind hearted King, his wife, and their very beautiful and lovely daughter, Ashka. Ashka’s favorite pastime was sitting by a lake and playing with her golden Ed doll.
Princess Ashka: *tosses a golden Dilbert doll up and down* Hehe! What’s that Ed?
Golden Ed: ..........
Princess Ashka: Get out of town! I like this game too! Wow Ed, we’re totally alike.
Golden Ed: ...................
Princess Ashka: You think so? Aw. Ed, you’re so sweet.
Golden Ed: .......
Princess Ashka: Higher? Ok. *tosses Ed up as high as she can* Woo! Look Ed! You’re flying!
Golden Ed: *plummets back down*
Princess Ashka: Catchy catchy! *misses and watches Ed sink to the bottom of the lake* AH! Oh no! Ed! *lurches forward and digs at the water* I’ll dig you out Ed! Hold on!
Narrator: As Princess Ashka tried desperately to dig her golden Ed doll out of the lake, someone was watching from below the surface.
~Two eyes suddenly pop out from the water~
Princess Ashka: *screams*
~A frog surfaces~
Frog: Do not be alarmed fair Princess, I won’t hurt you.
Princess Ashka: *quiets and stares* *her eyes light up* Froggy!
Frog: Why are you crying Princess?
Princess Ashka: I lost Ed.
Frog: Ed? Is he your husband?
Princess Ashka: No. He’s my toy.
Frog: o_O Pardon?
Princess Ashka: Oh, he’s my golden doll. I was tossing him up into the air and missed him when he fell back down. Poor Ed, he landed in the water and sank! He’s drowning.
Frog: Don’t worry Princess, I’ll get your Ed back for you.
Princess Ashka: You will?!
Frog: Of course.
Princess Ashka: Oh thank you froggy, how can I ever repay you?
Frog: Well, once I bring your Ed back, perhaps you can take me home with you? Let me live in your castle, eat your food, and sleep in your bed. If you promise me you will do these things, then I shall go and get your Ed right this minute.
Princess Ashka: Sure! I love slumber parties!
Narrator: No. You’re not supposed to WANT to.
Princess Ashka: Why?
Narrator: Because the frog is ugly and slimy and you don’t like ugly and slimy things.
Princess Ashka: It’s not ugly. It’s a cute little froggy!
Narrator: It’s ugly and slimy!
Princess Ashka: v.v Fine. *ahem* Uh....yes Frog, I promise.
Frog: *grins* I’ll be right back. *dives under the water*
Narrator: Now, as the poor little frog dove underwater to fetch the Princess’s Ed, she began to think of how to ditch it. There was no way she was actually going to let the stupid frog follow her home.
Princess Ashka: Why are you being so mean to the frog? I don’t wanna ditch it!
Narrator: *hisses* A few minutes later, the frog returned with the golden Ed doll. Out of excitement, Princess Ashka grabbed it and ran off, leaving the frog behind.
Frog: Princess! *hops after her* Wait! I can’t run as fast as you! Wait for me! *frowns and hops along*
Narrator: At the same time, in a cottage near the woods, a sweet little girl lived with her mother.
Mother Alex: What’s up with this? Why can’t I be a different character for once? I was already a mother wife thing!
Narrator: Too bad. You have to be it again. Now, Mother Alex and her daughter, Little Red Riding Lissa-hood, had a very sick grandfather. Mother Alex had just finished packing a basket of get-well-goodies for Little Red Riding Lissa-hood to bring him.
Mother Alex: Wait a minute!
Narrator: *sighs* What now?
Mother Alex: This is wrong. First I was the mother of Meg, and now I’m the mother of Lissa?! No. That’s not right. Get another mother.
Narrator: I don’t feel like it! Shut up and be the damn mother! Not to mention we have to do something about that name. Little Red Riding Lissa-hood is way too long. Couldn’t you have named her something shorter?
Mother Alex: I didn’t name her! You did!
Narrator: I did no such thing. I’m not her mother.
Mother Alex: Argh. >.< Little Red Riding Lissa-hood!
Little Red Riding Lissa-hood: *runs in* Yes, Mother? *blinks* Alex?
Mother Alex: Yeah, yeah. We’ve been over this already.
Little Red Riding Lissa-hood: Oh. Ok.... *eyes her strangely*
Mother Alex: Little....Ugh...Lissa-hood..
Little Red Riding Lissa-hood: That nickname sucks.
Mother Alex: Too bad. Lissa-hood, you need to bring these goodies to your grandfather. He’s very sick. *hands her the basket*
Lissa-hood: Of course, Mother. I’ll leave right away.
Mother Alex: That’s a good girl.
Narrator: After putting on her beautiful red cloak, off went Lissa-hood. Merrily she skipped along a trail in the woods that would lead her to her grandfather’s. However! Unknown to her.....she wasn’t alone! A sly old wolf had caught sight of the little girl and since he hadn’t eaten anything that day, he thought to himself.....
Roshiwolf: Heh heh heh! What a sexy little thing that cloaked girl is! Screw a meal, I’ll screw her instead!
Narrator: *blinks* Um... Yeah, so....the sly old wolf followed Lissa-hood some ways up the trail. And after deciding on the right moment, hopped out in front of her
Lissa-hood: *screams*
Roshiwolf: Don’t be alarmed little girl, I won’t hurt you.
Lissa-hood: I’m sorry, but I’m not supposed to talk to strangers.
Roshiwolf: Then, I’ll introduce myself. You may call me Roshiwolf. There, you see? We’re not strangers anymore. Now, who might you be?
Lissa-hood: Little Red Riding Lissa-hood.
Roshiwolf: My, my, my. What a long name you have.
Lissa-hood: Mother calls me Lissa-hood. But, I think it’s a really dumb name.
Roshiwolf: Then....I shall call you Lissa-hood.
Lissa-hood: ~.~ Anyway, I’m sorry Roshiwolf, but I must be going. *turns to leave*
Roshiwolf: Going? *runs in front of her*
Lissa-hood: *stops and steps back* Yes, going. I have to deliver this basket to my poor, sick grandfather.
Roshiwolf: I’m sure he can wait. I’ve got something much, much better in mind for us to do.
Lissa-hood: I’m afraid I can’t. I have to go now.
Roshiwolf: *panics* Uh...wait! How about you pick some pretty flowers for your grandfather? Wouldn’t he just love those?
Lissa-hood: Flowers? For my grandfather? No thanks, I have everything he’ll need in this basket.
Roshiwolf: Damn it.
Lissa-hood: Excuse me?
Roshiwolf: Nothing. ^_^;;;; Ah, I know. I have some very nice pictures that might interest you.
Lissa-hood: Pictures?
Roshiwolf: Oh yes, pictures. Very sexy pictures.
Lissa-hood: Uh...I’m not into that....sorry.
Roshiwolf: *whips one out* And this doesn’t interest you?
Lissa-hood: *.* Duo! As a matter of fact, it DOES interest me!
Roshiwolf: I figured. v.v Damn Duo. *dumps more onto the ground*
Lissa-hood: *sorts through them*
Roshiwolf: *watching* Say...where does your grandfather live?
Lissa-hood: *off in space* Down the road....to the right.....
Roshiwolf: Really? Well, I’ll just be going now..... Bye! *runs*
Lissa-hood: Yeah....
Narrator: As poor unsuspecting Lissa-hood drooled all over the picture of characters from GW, Roshiwolf ran towards her grandfather’s house with an evil plan in mind.
Rosihwolf: I’m so smart. Instead of screwing her in the middle of the woods, I’ll use her grandfather’s bed! How much more comfortable. Now, all I have to do is get rid of the old man....
Narrator: Not to far away, in another forest, in another cottage, there lived another family. It consisted of a father, a mother, and two children. Unfortunately, the father was cruel and unloving and didn’t really care about his two children very much.
Father Vejita: This is crap. What the hell kind of house is this? We live in a damn shack. And where the hell is the gravity chamber?
Mother Bulma: Watch your mouth!
Narrator: Anyway. Despite their awful and ungrateful father, the two children were happy with what they had because their mother showered them with kindness and love. One day, Father Vejita decided to go on a walk and Mother Bulma thought it best for the children to go along as she hoped the three would bond.
Mother Bulma: Gohansel! Videtel!
Gohansel and Videtel: *walk in*
Videtel: I’m very confused.
Narrator: About what?
Videtel: How can we be brother and sister when we’re married?
Gohansel: Yeah. That doesn’t make sense.
Narrator: It doesn’t have to. Now all of you just stop whining and do what I narrate!
Both: Fine.
Mother Bulma: Children, Father is going for a walk and I think you two should go with him. It’s about time you all bonded.
Gohansel and Videtel: Ok.
Narrator: Later on, Father Vejita went for his walk. The way his children followed him around ended up pissing him off so he did the only thing he could to calm his nerves. He ditched them. Luckily, Gohansel had been eating bread along the way and had dropped a trail of crumbs.
Videtel: Gohansel! We’re not lost after all! We can follow the trail of crumbs home!
Gohansel: Yes. And then, when we return, we can call child services on Father and have them haul his ass off to jail.
Videtel: Good plan.
Narrator: Naturally, as luck would have it, the children were only able to follow so far. The rest of the crumbs had been eaten by birds, leaving them stranded.
Videtel: What shall we do, brother?
Gohansel: Maybe we can still find our way back. Let’s just keep walking this way?
Videtel: Ok.
Narrator: And they did. Some time later they came upon a house. Not theirs, but another. Only this house was different for it was made of gingerbread and candy. Since the children were starving, namely Videtel because Gohansel didn’t share any of his bread, they made a mad dash to the house and began to eat it. Little did they know, and little did they care, that someone lived there. To make the situation worse, not only were they lost in the woods, but they were now gnawing away on a house inhabited by an evil witch.
???: Nibble nibble like a mouse. Who is nibbling on my house?
Videtel: Did you hear something?
Gohansel: No.
Videtel: Ok. *eats*
???: Hey! Didn’t you hear me?! I asked who the hell is eating my house!?
Gohansel and Videtel: *look up, alarmed*
~A kind looking young woman appears at the doorway~
Gohansel: Who are you?
???: The owner of this house. But, you may call me Pasha. *thinks* I see you children are hungry.
Videtel: Oh yes, very. We’re lost in the woods and we haven’t any food.
Pasha: *puts a hand on her chest in shock* You poor dears! Lost? And without any food? Well, I’ll fix that. Come inside and you can have all the delicious desserts and treats you want.
Gohansel: No kidding?! Score! *dashes inside the house*
Videtel: *hesitates, but follows her brother*
Pasha: *grins in an evil manner, chuckling under her breath, and shuts the door*
Narrator: Uh oh, poor Gohansel and Videtel. I’ve got a feeling they’re in some major shit. Anyway, onward to our last story. We come to, yet again, the woods. Only it’s not as wooded in this area. Less trees and less animals. Except for three little pigs. Now these pigs had just been kicked out of their pen and were told to build a house of their own. So, that’s just what they decided to do.
Kennypig: *looking pretty pissed* Is this supposed to be some kind of joke? Well, let me tell you....it isn’t funny!!
Narrator: Shut up Kennypig, build your stupid house!
Yamchapig: Yes Kennypig, we need to build our houses.
Kennypig: -_- I don’t believe this.
Piccolopig: *sighs, looking at his curly little pig tail* Save it.
Yamchapig: Anyway... We should really look for things to build our houses with.
Piccolopig: The loser’s right.
Yamchapig: v_v
Kennypig: *grumbles, looking around* *he spots a pile of hay and fakes happiness* What do ya know, a damn pile of damn hay in the middle of the damn woods. Boy, am I in luck? I’ll build my damn house out of some damn straw.
Narrator: And so he did.
Yamchapig: Crap, now what am I going to use? You used all the hay.
Kennypig: Go live in a cave.
Yamchapig: *blinks* I wouldn’t be able to see anything.
Kennypig: Not my problem. *continues building his house*
Piccolopig: Hay isn’t very sturdy.
Kennypig: I don’t give a shit.
Narrator: Kennypig, if you don’t watch your mouth, I’m kicking you out of my story.
Kennypig: Fine -_-
Yamchapig: *stops a pile of sticks* Oh boy! *runs over to it* What luck. And sticks are sturdier than straw. I believe I’ll build my house out of sticks.
Kennypig: Whoop de damn doo.
Narrator: Damn it Kennypig!! You’re pissing me off!
Kennypig: Sorry....
Yamchapig: *begins to build*
Narrator: Now, the third little pig still hadn’t found something to build his house with. But, because he was the smartest little pig, he wasn’t going to settle for something like straw or sticks. Piccolopig wanted something he knew he would be safe in. Suddenly, it dawned on him.
Piccolopig: I’m going to build my house out of bricks.
Yamchapig: Bricks? But there are no bricks in the woods.
Piccolopig: Nope. But the houses in the woods are made of bricks. I’ll just go borrow some. *runs off*
Narrator: And so Piccolopig ran off to a little village and destroyed the town’s courthouse, taking all the bricks he wanted.
Piccolopig: *builds his house*
Narrator: Afterwards, the three little pigs went inside their houses and did whatever they wanted. As the unsuspecting farm animals continued doing whatever they wanted, another sly old wolf was lurking around. He wasn’t your typical wolf though. He wore a fancy cape and carried a big sword and thought very highly of himself. He had seen the little pigs building their houses and because they all looked so tasty, he decided he was going to cut them open and grill up some sausage and bacon.
Seanwolf: Wasn’t I already in a story?
Narrator: Yeah.....
Seanwolf: *blinks* Whatever. At least I’m not married to it anymore.
Narrator: *rolls eyes*
Seanwolf: Heh heh heh.... Those weak little piggies are gonna be squealing for mercy when I get done with them!
Narrator: Rewinding, we go back to our first story. Poor Megunzel was still locked up in that tower. Her hair had also grown several miles long and whenever the evil wizard wanted to see her, he would call out.....
Evil Wizard Tien: Hey sexy! Let down those locks!
Narrator: And, as much as she didn’t want to, Megunzel would let down her hair and the wizard would climb up.
Evil Wizard Tien: Megunzel, my sweet, you look wonderful today.
Megunzel: *sighs* This totally sucks.
Chaozu: You’re such a slut.
Megunzel: I don’t believe this. How the hell did you get here?
Chaozu: I don’t know. But you’re a skank!
Megunzel: Get out of my tower, ostrich!
Chaozu: Crack whore! Tien will never be yours!
Megunzel: You’re right! I don’t want Tien! *punts Chaozu out the window* Now, go to hell, GERBIL!
Narrator: Anyway..... Back to the story. During the wizard’s visits, he would try making several passes at her. Megunzel would get fed up with him and kick him out one of the windows once she had had enough. This went on for some time and poor Megunzel was as miserable as ever.
Megunzel: I wish someone would rescue me from this hell hole. I don’t think I’ll be able to put up with that pervy old wizard much longer. Since there’s nothing to do I might as well just sing. *sings*
Narrator: As Megunzel sang, a handsome prince was galloping by on his horse.
Prince Heero: ...... How did I get here?
Narrator: That’s not important.
Prince Heero: *blinks* *shrugs* What a lovely voice. I wonder who it belongs to.
Narrator: Prince Heero followed the singing and found the high tower. Just as he got there, the evil wizard came lurking around the corner, and hid behind a bush.
Evil Wizard Tien: Hey sexy! Let down those locks!
Megunzel: *sighs and throws her hair out the window* I’m so sick of this.
Evil Wizard Tien: *climbs up*
Prince Heero: Hm...
~Some minutes later...~
Evil Wizard Tien: *is booted out the window and lands on the ground* Curses. Oh well, I’ll try tomorrow. She’ll have to sleep with me one of these days. *walks off*
Prince Heero: Whoever is up there, she must be miserable. That old wizard wants to sleep with them? How awful. Maybe if I.... *runs over to the tower and calls* Hey sexy! Let down those locks! ~_~ How crude.
Megunzel: Damnit! I just shoved him out the window! Does he LIKE falling ten stories?! *throws her hair out the window*
Prince Heero: *grins and climbs* *hoists himself through the window*
Megunzel: *gasps*
Prince Heero: Meg?
Megunzel: Heero! *glomps him* What the hell are you doing here?
Prince Heero: I don’t know....but I had the sudden urge to do everything I just did. Ride a horse through a forest, climb your hair, all that. It’s really very odd.....
Narrator: Get back to the story! You’re ruining it.
Prince Heero: Oh right. Ahem. Princess, I sense your misery, let me take you away and give you a better life.
Megunzel: Ok!
Narrator: Megunzel and Prince Heero planned to escape. He would bring a ladder the next night and the both of them would leave. However, the evil wizard was lurking about and saw Prince Heero being lowered down to the ground. Out of fury, the next day he went to see her and chopped off all her hair and hid her away. When Prince Heero came and called for her, the evil wizard lowered down the hair and once he had climbed up, the evil wizard pushed him out the window and into a giant thorn bush patch. The thorns scratched his eyes out and he was blind.
Evil Wizard Tien: *cackles*
Narrator: Poor Prince Heero wandered around the woods, blind as a bat, until one day he heard the same singing he had heard before. Low and behold, it was Megunzel!
Megunzel: Poor Hee-chan! That asshole blinded your beautiful eyes! *weeps*
Narrator: Magically, Megunzel’s tears splashed down onto Prince Heero’s eyes and cured his blindness. Overjoyed with happiness, the two left the woods, since they were sick to death of the sight of trees, and Heero fulfilled his promise, although he was really sorry afterwards. The evil wizard was just never heard form again. Back in Princess Ashka’s kingdom, she and her family had sat down to dinner.
Princess Ashka: *shoving food in her mouth*
~Knock knock knock....~
King Gokou: Someone’s at the door.
Queen ChiChi: I wonder who it could be.
Princess Ashka: I’ll get it. *skips off and opens the door* *gasps* Froggie! Hi!
Narrator: No! What did I say before?!
Princess Ashka: Oh... *slams the door and runs back to the table*
