~This is just a little something that was put together. It’s not really a ramble, but ya know, who cares?~
On Prisons: Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to
house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece I'll take a
few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles, I already have bars
on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to
criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a
treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they
can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
On Ads In Bills: Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in
with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to
stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them though. I put garbage in
with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels, whatever.....I write,
Could you throw this away for me? Thank You.
On Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that
stuff was for. Then, I noticed women coming up to me: *sniff* Married
*walk off*. That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the
ring, but its hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
On Cripes: My wife is from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very
wholesome. They use words like Cripes for Cripes sake. Who would that
be, Jesus Cripes? The son of Gosh or the church of Holy Moly? I'm not
making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in Heck?
On Pregnancy: It’s weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They
say, Oh my God, he’s kicking! Do you wanna feel it? I always feel
awkward reaching over there. Come on! It’s weird to ask someone to feel
your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. Oh my God...give me your
hand...It wont be long now...
On Phone-In-Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote on
different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like, 18% that say I
don't know? It costs 90 cents to call up and vote......why they're voting
I don't know is beyond me. Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone.
*Into Phone* I DON'T KNOW! *Hangs up, looking proud.* Sometimes you just have
to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about. ........That same guy
probably calls up phone sex girls for \$2.95 to say I'm not in the mood.
On Answering Machine: Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive
messages on someone's answering machine? Hi, it's a great day and I'm
out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day
is Share the love. God bless! Beep. Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....
Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.
Ashka: Oh, wait wait, I got one!! *ahem* I think I've found inner peace. My therapist told me the way to achieve inner peace was to finish things I had started. Today I finished 2 bags of potato chips, a lemon pie, a bottle of wine, and a small box of chocolate candy. I feel better already.
Pasha: Oh yeah, mine’s better. Trunks, Goten, Gokou, help me out. Ok, listen. Ole and Sven were fishing when Sven pulled out a cigar but didn't have a lighter, so he asked Ole for a one.
Trunks: *with a Swedish accent* "Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,"
Pasha: He replied and reached into his tackle box, pulling out a 12-inch BIC lighter.
Goten: *with the same accent* "Yiminy Cricket!"
Pasha: Exclaimed Sven,
Goten: "Vhere did yew get dat monster??"
Trunks: "Vell,"
Pasha: Replied Ole,
Trunks: "I got it from my Genie."
Goten: "You haff a genie?"
Pasha: Sven asked.
Trunks: "Ya, shure, he's right here in my tackle box,"
Pasha: Said Ole.
Goten: "Could I see him?"
Pasha: Ole opens his tackle box and out pops the genie. Sven says,
Goten: "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"
Gokou: "Yes I will" ^_^
Pasha: The genie said. So, Sven asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the tackle box and leaves him standing there waiting. Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. Sven yells to Ole,
Goten: "I asked for a million bucks, not ducks!"
Pasha: Ole answers,
Trunks: "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked him for a 12-inch BIC?"
Ashka and Pasha: *giggle to themselves*
Kenny, Alex, and Lissa: Oh yeah, we’ve got a better genie story.
Pasha: Says you.
Kenny: *ahem* Hey Meg, help us out with this one.
Meg: Why?
Kenny: Cause it involves a Canadian.
Meg: *scoffs*
Kenny: Come on!
Meg: Fine. ~.~
Kenny: Great! Gokou, be our genie. Ok, Alex, take it away.
Alex: Ok. Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Ladin and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
Gokou: *in his best “genie voice“* "I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes total,"
Alex: Says the Genie. The Canadian says, *looks at Meg*
Meg: *rolls her eyes* "I’m a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also be a farmer. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
Alex: With a blink of the Genie's eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.
Kenny: Osama Bin Ladin was amazed, so, he said,
Chaozu: How come I have to say this?
Kenny: Because you’re just like Binny boy, no one likes you and everyone thinks you should just.......die.
Chaozu: *growls* I hate you!
Meg: *cackles*
Chaozu: Skank!
Kenny: Just say it!
Chaozu: Fine, you ugly mailbox head! "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state."
Kenny: Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.
Lissa: Uncle Sam, a former civil engineer, asks, *looks at Gohan*
Gohan: But, I‘m not American.
Lissa: Too bad!
Gohan: Eh... "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
Lissa: The Genie then explains, *looks at Gokou*
Gokou: *in his best “genie voice“* "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out---virtually impenetrable."
Lissa: Uncle Sam says,
Gohan: "Fill it with water."
Lissa: HAHA!
Others: *laugh*
Lissa: Oh yeah, aren’t these corny jokes just the best?
